Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
