census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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