Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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