he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
