Your face is a jimmy john
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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