You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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