apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
