Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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