My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
