I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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