apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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