He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
