tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
