It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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