I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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