I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
