He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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