Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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