If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She bit a glass in half.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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