I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
