at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
