this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
