Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
