We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
