Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize