why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
