Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
