Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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