i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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