im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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