Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
