How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
