Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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