i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
