How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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