I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
