hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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