Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
