i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
