I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
