someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
