yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
