Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
