an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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