when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
