Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
