in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
