3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
4 words: hood of his car
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
