even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
