i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
