You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
