one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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