I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
