i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
People in love make me want to vomit
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
