The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
