Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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