I should be sponsored by Trojan
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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