i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
