it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
