i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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